Poems (R rated)

Faith in who I am as a person

(New Year’s Resolution)
Why is it, when bad things happen
I quickly and automatically
believe it to be a reflection on me?
On who I am, and my self-worth?

Bad mother
Bad person
Bad daughter
Bad friend

And then, I spiral
into dark places
where I am no longer me,
I become a deformity
born of my past pain
can’t separate me
from what happened
from what I did
and what they said,
it’s like me and this bad thing
become the same entity
I take on the bad thing’s shape
I become the bad thing
and I can’t see anything
other than bleak for miles

I lose all faith in me

But bad things happen all the time
in our everyday lives –
conflicts and disspointments
You can’t avoid interacting
or you may as well bubble-wrap

If only I could cushion the bad things,
seal and cover over my dark places
so then I wouldn’t fall at all
I’d just shrug and say okay
a bad thing just happened
but I’m going to be okay
I’m not a bad person
I’m just a human, just human
and I don’t need to
dive back into my past pain
I can refrain from
punching into the bruise,
yes I can take accountability
sure I can learn,
but I can remain on stable land
because it’s really exhausting
falling into that hole
Again and Again and Again
It’s really fucking exhausting

Faith in who I am
It doesn’t sound so bad
as a new way forward
Because when bad things happen
that are unpleasant,
they are just bad things
They don’t define us
or who we are as people
they are just bad things
and they’ll pass…

2016-12-30T23:54:37+00:00 December 30th, 2016|Poems (R rated)|0 Comments

What’s the worst that can happen?

What’s the worst that can happen?
I find myself alone on New Year’s Eve
Crying into a bag of chips
What’s the worst that can happen?
I die alone with no man by my side

But is that so bad?
At least I can walk down the streets
without bombs raining down on me
At least I can walk peacefully down there

What’s the worst that can happen?
I feel restless with nobody to turn to
because I’ve used up
all my need passes for the day
and I just have to stay with – ME

As agonising as that may be,
to sit and reflect on my life
and all the times I have fucked up
and contributed to my circumstances,
maybe if I dig deep enough
I can find some love in there
for myself, somewhere – maybe…

Am I the only one that doesn’t have
a bottomless pit of really close friends?
I can’t be the only one
who hasn’t got it all sorted
everyone else on Facebook looks like they do
so why don’t I? What’s wrong with me?

Home on a Saturday night,
with myself and a bag of potato chips
wondering if it is just me
or if this is all just being human…

2016-12-21T19:42:39+00:00 December 21st, 2016|Poems (R rated)|0 Comments