Faith in who I am as a person

(New Year’s Resolution)
Why is it, when bad things happen
I quickly and automatically
believe it to be a reflection on me?
On who I am, and my self-worth?

Bad mother
Bad person
Bad daughter
Bad friend

And then, I spiral
into dark places
where I am no longer me,
I become a deformity
born of my past pain
can’t separate me
from what happened
from what I did
and what they said,
it’s like me and this bad thing
become the same entity
I take on the bad thing’s shape
I become the bad thing
and I can’t see anything
other than bleak for miles

I lose all faith in me

But bad things happen all the time
in our everyday lives –
conflicts and disspointments
You can’t avoid interacting
or you may as well bubble-wrap

If only I could cushion the bad things,
seal and cover over my dark places
so then I wouldn’t fall at all
I’d just shrug and say okay
a bad thing just happened
but I’m going to be okay
I’m not a bad person
I’m just a human, just human
and I don’t need to
dive back into my past pain
I can refrain from
punching into the bruise,
yes I can take accountability
sure I can learn,
but I can remain on stable land
because it’s really exhausting
falling into that hole
Again and Again and Again
It’s really fucking exhausting

Faith in who I am
It doesn’t sound so bad
as a new way forward
Because when bad things happen
that are unpleasant,
they are just bad things
They don’t define us
or who we are as people
they are just bad things
and they’ll pass…

2016-12-30T23:54:37+00:00 December 30th, 2016|Poems (R rated)|0 Comments